Have you ever noticed how tiring it can be to try to fit in? Trying to be someone you think you should be for other people? To say what you think people want to hear, to behave in the “right” way, to quietly change yourself so you don’t stand out too much.
For years I tried to fit in, doing everything I could to mould myself into the person I thought other people wanted me to be. As much as I tried, and as much effort as I gave it, I didn’t fit in, I was never meant to, and it was exhausting trying. Back then I didn’t know the difference between fitting in and belonging. What I did know, as so many of us do, is that fitting in can often feel safer than being the one to stand out and be different.
Over time though, something interesting happens. The more we try to mould ourselves to expectations, the more disconnected we can start to feel from who we really are and we lose ourselves in the process.
Brené Brown talks about the difference between fitting in and belonging in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection – she says,
“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”
Positive psychology talks about the importance of living in alignment with our values and strengths. When we are aligned with ourselves, we tend to be happier, less frustrated, have more clarity, and feel more fulfilled. When we’re not, our nervous system often feels it first and we might feel tense, exhausted, uncertain, or constantly second-guessing ourselves.
Working with horses makes this very obvious and it’s something I’ve learned over the years with Jessie.
Horses don’t respond to the version of us we are trying to present. They respond to who we really are in that moment, they respond to our nervous system and our energy. If we are incongruent, and what they see and feel doesn’t match, they notice and it worries them and this can show up as defensiveness. There’s no pinning on a winning smile but feeling nervous as hell inside – they know!
When we show up as our full authentic selves, the energy is different. Who we say we are and how we show up is the same, and it’s honest, which means connection happens much more easily.
I think the same is true in life. When we allow ourselves to show up as we are, we may not belong everywhere but we often connect more deeply where it truly matters.
I had to show up as the real me for Jessie and as that got easier, it also became easier to show up authentically in other areas of my life, because it became second nature with her.
When you start showing up authentically, it can be a bit scary, but the more you do it, the more confident you become and eventually it’s just who you are.
These days I don’t try to fit in. I know what it feels like to truly belong. I’m intentional about where my energy goes, and if it doesn’t belong somewhere, that’s ok – I move on so I can belong in the right places with the right people, accepting that not everyone is for me, and I’m not for everyone.
When you show up as yourself – relationships become more genuine, there’s a psychological safety that’s created through authenticity, you attract the right people into your life and you have more energy because you’re no longer performing to fit in.
When people show up consistently more honestly as themselves, people feel it, just like horses feel energy, so do we and it’s that authenticity that creates trust.
Where in your life do you feel most like yourself?
What would change if you stopped trying to fit in?
With love,
Nicky
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